Where’s the love?

I really am a fat sack of crap… I know I know I’m meant to love myself first before I can start my journey of weight loss…but seriously – not a great weekend for motivation

Before I start pouring out my fat heart, I have to let you know that my wife has successfully reached the 9 week mark. She is doing incredibly, except for the morning sickness (actually afternoon sickness), lethargy, the need to pee the whole time, and, as she puts it, the need to want to eat and throw up and the same time! She is doing an awesome job, and I have to keep telling myself to be a better person for the person she is growing inside of her.

That right there! That is my motivation. My unborn child. I’m doing this for L’il Chicken (the nickname we’ve given it) Ho-ly crap. I never would have worked that out if I hadn’t been at a coffee shop before work getting all of this junk out of my head…trying desperately to find a motivation to both lose weight and type a blog to motivate me to lose weight. Woah Inception reference…this early? All jokes aside, I do have inside me the ability to do this, though history denotes I will fail again. Dammit.

So onto me. I am 36 and I’ve had a weight problem all of my life. A fat kid, a fat teenager, a fat adult. I have had brief interludes of being a ‘norm’ – these include the ages from 12 – 14, 19 – 21 and a small stint as a 29yo. Every time, I’ll bounce back to my bad ways…why? Because its easier to eat badly (especially as young adult). We live in a world where fat processed crap rules our tables, our bottom lines and our wallets.

I’ve even had laparoscopic banding surgery in an effort to curb my fatness. I have told NO ONE this. Its a real shame point for me as, well, I’ve failed at that too. That said, God knows how big I’d be without it. I guess the problem with the lap-band is that you can ‘eat your way around it’ with a glass of water and the drive to finish that plate of food regardless if you’re going to vomit it up in a few minutes. Sick huh? It did work for a time, but (and you can see a real pattern forming) I didn’t follow through with that either.

I’m terrified of scales. Terrified. They are the ultimate truth after all and who wants that? Not a fatty. Not a fatty. The good news about this phobia is I’ve done the unthinkable and purchased a set of 200kg scales from eBay. They’re in the mail and I’m actually looking forward to getting them.

My weekend was a weekend of plenty. I think I shovelled 4 cupcakes into my food hole yesterday. The upside is I went for a 7.4km walk with the pups on Saturday morning, which was great…but I ate the difference…which was bad.

Saturdays Walk (Proof!)

So what now?

Breakfast before work was a banana, two poached eggs, two pieces of toast (no butter), 2 sausages and a double espresso. My goal for today is to focus on the raw and the unprocessed today (Don’t judge me about the sausages…I have a problem). I’ll let you know how I go.

Fat-man out!

First Post and a real reality check!

“You’re obese and a walking heart attack”

Harsher words hath never been spoken to a fat person. Yet whom in the thigh rubbing community actually take heed. Not enough.

In the last few weeks, I’ve been given the best news a husband can receive (on fathers day no less), that I am going to be a first time dad! I can’t remember the last time I felt so happy, jubilant and terrified at the same time. Happy and jubilant that I shall become a father and terrified that I just wont be able to keep up with him/her. Terrified that kind begets kind and I shall inturn, impart my unhealthy and unsustainable lifestyle upon my child. Terrified that I’ll be dead by 50. 

I have a major problem with food.

1. I always have.
2. I shame eat,
3. I eat in private,
4. I eat when I’m stressed.
5. I eat when I’m sad
6. I eat when I’m happy.
7. I eat when I’m bored.
8. I eat when I think no one is watching.
9. I eat when I’ve just eaten.
10. I’ll eat before meeting a friend for dinner.
11. I feel ashamed when caught snacking out of the fridge, even though I’m not 4 though as a result see 10.
12. I sneak eat,
13. I hide treats and chow down on them later.  

Every single instance of my life involves me eating…and I don’t know why.

Savoury, Sweet, Fatty. The 3 things, we has homo sapiens are geared to move toward. I just love it all.

For the last 5 weeks, I had given up Gluten. It was easier than I thought not eating bread and processed flours. As a direct result, I found that I wasn’t as gassy and feeling better because of it, simply because not eating bread or pastry had an amazing follow on effect of not eating foods surrounded in bread…Hamburgers, pastries, sausage rolls etc, however like all things I start, I let it slide and have slowly been reintroducing bread back into my diet. “Just one sandwich wont hurt”, “Just one sausage roll…OK maybe another”…dammit. I’m always starting a diet on Monday with full intension to see it through…I don’t.

What I want to do with this blog is simply for me. I want to start documenting what I’m doing and how I’m going with my weightloss. I desperately need to change me. I see ripped abs on instagram, with taglines of “you can’t out exercise a bad diet” and “eat for the body you want, not the body you have”…I read them, but I don’t hear them. It just doesn’t hit home that the harder I work at myself, the better I will be, both mentally and physically. I KNOW I should weigh 92kgs. I KNOW I shouldn’t be out of breath walking up the stairs. I KNOW I shouldn’t be chowing down on McDonalds before I get home for dinner….Yet I do…

I HATE not being able to go bungee jumping, or helicopter rides or become an Australia Post motorbike delivery man (All have strict weight limits)…What do I do about feeling down – See Point 5? 

I am so self conscious too. I hate my body so much I’ll often not look at myself in the mirror, just not to see my own disappointment.

I am addicted to crap and I need a rewire.

The hardest thing I have to do is admit I have a problem. 

My name is Doug. I weigh 176kgs (388lbs) – Thats almost twice what a normal person weighs

I’ve never admitted that to anyone and I hate that I have but I hate more what I’ve become. 

Over the next 9 months, my wife will be changing for the better. Now at 8 weeks, we’re almost going from the Embryonic stage to the Foetal stage. Baby is growing and Wifey is doing an amazing job baking this little bun.  

Over the next 9 months, I will be changing too. My goal, in the next 32 weeks is to lose 32 kgs. First things first, I am going out today to buy a set of scales to make sure I keep track. I will be posting photos of my gut, so this blog aint for the weak stomached…pardon the pun

I will be documenting my weight, measurements and exercise regime. I will find it comforting too, to add how I’m feeling. Often typing with a goal in mind is better than fixating on what to eat next.